ABC for MBAs
Stuff you don't learn at Harvard

Crash Course in Management Speak

Says:

Means:

That's very interesting.

I disagree.

I don't disagree.

I disagree.

I don't totally disagree with you.

You may be right, but I don't care.

You have to show some flexibility.

You have to do it whether you want to or not.

We have an opportunity.

You have a problem.

You obviously put a lot of work into this.

This is awful.

In a perfect world.

Just get it working and get it out the door.

Help me to understand.

I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either.

You just don't understand our business.

We don't understand our business.

You need to see the big picture.

My boss thinks it's a good idea.

My mind is made up. I am adamant on the subject. There is no room for discussion. But if you do want to discuss it further, my door is always open.

F%^$ you.

I appreciate your contribution.

F%^$ you.

We're going to follow a strict methodology here.

We're going to do it my way.

I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary?

I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program.

Cost of ownership is a significant issue.

We want all of the benefits and none of the costs.

We have to leverage our resources.

You're working weekends.

Individual contributor.

Employee who does real work.

Your project is on hold.

We've put a bullet in it.

Wrong answer.

You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.

You needed to be more proactive.

You should have protected me from myself.

I'd like your buy-in on this.

I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.

We want you to be the executive champion of this project.

I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.

We need to syndicate this decision.

We need to spread the blame if it backfires.

We have to put on our marketing hats.

We have to put ethics aside.

It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work.

I don't know how to do it.

It's a no-brainer.

It's a perfect decision for me to handle.

I'm glad you asked me that.

Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer.

I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal.

One person couldn't possibly come up with something this stupid.

There are larger issues at stake.

I've made up my mind so don't bother me with the facts.

I'll never lie to you.

The truth will change frequently.

Our business is going through a paradigm shift.

We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different.

Value-added.

Expensive.

Human Resources.

A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks.

The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees.

The upcoming reductions will benefit me.

Eager to impress the Boss

A young MBA was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?

"Certainly", said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Leadership vs. Management

When Noah heard the weather forecast he ordered the building of the ark.
--- that was Leadership

Then he looked around and said, "Make sure the elephants don't see what the rabbits are up to."
--- that was Management